Cinema rules from Mark and Simon

The Cinema Code of Conduct states:

• No Eating... ...of anything harder than a soft roll with no filling. No one wants to hear you crunch, chew or masticate in any way. Nachos cause special offence and are of the devil.
• No Slurping... ...of drinks. You've already drunk a 5 litre flagon of pop, you really don't need the melting ice too. You are not six years old.
• No Rustling... ...of super high density, rustle-o-matic, extra rustle bags. No foraging of any kind, if you're going to need it during the film, get it out before hand.
• No Irresponsible Parenting' Your five-year-old does not want to come to see the latest 12A certificate: you are using the cinema as a babysitter. Your child's moaning, whinging and crying is your fault and a profound annoyance to everyone else. Your interrupted sleep caused by your child's nightmares is also your fault and serves you right.
• No Hobbies This includes knitting, drug dealing, model aeroplane assembly, fighting, having sex and updating Facebook.
• No Talking You’re in a cinema – you have come here to watch, not to discuss. Or ‘engage’, or ‘participate’, or ‘explain’ or whatever. More importantly, no-one in the cinema has paid £8.50 to hear your director’s commentary on the movie. Just sit down and shut up.
• No Mobile Phone Usage At all. Not even on ‘flight mode’. This isn’t an aeroplane, it’s a cinema. Even if you’re not yapping, you’re still creating light pollution. Put your thumbs away. NB: includes BlackBerries, PalmPilots, iPads – whatever.
• No Kicking of Seats The area of floor directly in front of your seat is yours, and is there to put your legs in. The back of the seat in front of you belongs to someone else; do not touch, interfere with, or otherwise invade their space with your feet, knees, or other bodily appendages.
• No Arriving Late Like Woody Allen in Annie Hall, you’re supposed to watch movies from the very beginning to the very end. If you turn up late, tough: go see something else – The Sorrow and the Pity, perhaps.
• No Shoe Removal You are not in your own front room. Nor are you in Japan (unless you are, in which case, carry on). A cinema is a public space: keep your bodily odours to yourself.